06.08.09
I have never been an elegant dumper. I never quite know what to say, so in the past I’ve always said nothing. Not only is that inelegant, it’s immature and cowardly. I can see that for what it is, but how do you break up with someone when he or she is not a significant other? A hairstylist, lunch companion at work? A friend? That’s the one that sticks me in the heart – the friend. There’s a specific situation in which I was deeply connected to a particular friend. We could read each other’s thoughts, finish each other’s sentences. We had fun, but we shared a closeness of heart that is so rarely found in another person. There was a falling out – I don’t even remember the circumstances – and we didn’t talk. And then we did, but through an opaque shroud. It was surface conversation, if even that.
I grew up having learned that relationships are over when there’s an argument. In my world, you didn’t get angry with someone. Or, at least, if you did you certainly didn’t do something crazy like communicate and share actual thoughts with the other person. You held it in, or you told anyone who’s not the right person. You were passive aggressive, making the other person guess because if they’re in the wrong, THEY SHOULD KNOW. And then things fade, and then you’re done. Hence my aversion to conflict. It took me several long-term boyfriends to realize that an argument is a natural occurrence between people who care for each other. I haven’t been good at conflict with friends. In my past I’d run or just stop calling if someone was angry with me. I couldn’t face the fact that I – someone who hates hurting other people more than anything – was at fault. So I ignored it, thought that it was meant to be, maybe. I thought whatever helped me sleep at night. Arguments with friends were the end of everything. Arguments, for me, were a loud, sad conclusion, no matter who the other party.
I still dread arguments. I still hold things in. And when cornered, or if I can’t handle it anymore, I ooze vitriol, seethe hate. My anger presents itself in scorn and derision. I hate that part of me, so I communicate now, whatever the cost. It still rears its ugly head once in a great while, but I try so hard. I try to kick my pride in the face, because pride is what sends me running with my hands over my ears whenever there is a hint of conflict. I try to tell people how I feel about them whenever I can – certainly with my family, with whom I lost so much time. But the aforementioned friendship, it’s not the same, no matter how much I try. I’ve been genuine in my apologies, because certainly I had a lapse in conversational judgment, and things are supposedly okay. Supposedly. Only it strikes me every so often like a kick in the gut that I have no idea who she is anymore. This girl whose mind I could read quite eerily is a stranger to me. No, not a stranger, that’s not accurate. She is the ache in my heart and represents my loneliness when I think of what we had as friends. But I know nothing about her anymore. And that hurts. We’ve mentioned how much we miss us, but there has been nothing further. Our friendship stopped in mid-sentence, and all there is now is silence. No movement.
I have to accept this, and to a point I have. Friendships – any relationship, rather – are beautiful and should be cherished. It seems that we cannot resurrect Us for whatever reason. I’ve left the door open should she decide to come back and go forward, but I can’t force things. Nobody can.
And so it rests.
I don’t, however, like open loops. I don’t like not knowing, thoughts and sentences and relationships left unfinished, unattended. Is this a situation where a “break up” is necessary? An admission of acceptance for the way things have come to be? If it stays paused forever, then I never get the chance to say goodbye, that I love her and loved every moment of our friendship, that I am a better person having known her. But to break up…it’s so final. As much as I want the chance to say these things if there’s nothing for us going forward, I don’t want to say goodbye. I can’t fully accept that my other half is now just an empty space in my life.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the stupid things we did, the stuff we giggled at, the copious amounts of alcohol we shared in each other’s company. I want my friend back. I can’t force my friend back.
And so it rests.
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05.17.09
100 Random Things
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Today at 2:23pm | Edit Note | Delete
…because I can’t concentrate on studying.
(Thanks, Anna N., for the distraction!)
100 things..Share
What was the last thing you put in your mouth …
A blue corn chip. Lots of fiber, low salt. What the H is the point?!
Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew …
Um, yes.
where was your default picture taken …
The red one was taken in my hotel room in Michigan when I visited in February.
Can you play guitar hero …
I don’t even know what guitar hero is. Wii? I don’t have one.
Name someone that made you laugh today …
Jon Stewart.
How late did you stay up last night & why …
1:00 am. Was texting and Facebooking and drinking wine and reading.
If you could move somewhere else, would you …
I’m not ready for another state to state move. It’s a lot of work and adjustment.
Ever been kissed under fireworks …
I don’t know. Maybe?
Do you believe ex’s can be friends …
Yep. I’d like to think I’m friends with a few of mine, at least 3. I can only speak for myself, but I’m really happy to be in even a little contact. Once you care about someone enough, it doesn’t go away. It changes and I don’t think of any of them in “that way” at all, but I’m interested in their lives and families just as I’d be interested in another friend’s life and family. I do, however, think it’s possible that there are some with whom you can NEVER be friends and I have one of those, too. I don’t wish ill on anyone, but I wouldn’t mind if Karma comes around and kicks him in the no-no place.
Calling or texting …
TEXTING. I hate talking on the phone.
Where are you at right now …
In my home office.
What bed did you sleep in last night …
Um. My bed. Who else’s would I sleep in?
Who took your profile picture …
Me.
Who was the last person you took a picture of …
Self-pic of me and boyfriend snowshoeing in Alasha.
Was yesterday better than today …
I’m indifferent. Today is fine, yesterday was fine. I’m studying for finals – this is as good as it gets until I take them.
Can you live a day without TV …
I gave up TV about a month or two ago, so yeah. I haven’t watched at all, except for snippets of The Daily Show and etc on Hulu.
Are you mad about anything …
No. I have something on my mind, but I’m not going to waste time being angry about it.
Are you a bad influence …
If by “bad influence” you mean someone who doesn’t go out a lot, gets to bed at a reasonable hour, works every day and goes to school and tries to be nice to everyone and thinks about things before doing them, then yeah, I’m pretty wild.
Night out or night in …
Night in. I’m not a partier anymore.
What items could you not go without during the day …
Water or Crystal Light, toothpaste, toilet paper, lip gloss/balm.
Do you hate anyone …
No. Not worth my energy.
If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find …
Mostly stuff from my professors that I haven’t put into an e-file yet.
Can you easily tell if someones fake …
Oh my God. Without question.
If you were to have a drug test right now … would you pass?
Absolutely.
What song is stuck in your head …
I’m listening to music right now, so I can’t really answer this question because nothing is “stuck”.
Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be …
It will be someone I kick in the face. Don’t wake me up, first of all, and if someone is KNOCKING ON MY WINDOW, I’m going to go into beat down survival mode.
Wanna have kids before you’re 30 …
I don’t plan to have kids ever. Also, I’m 31. So, n/a on that one.
Name something you have to do tomorrow …
Work.
Can you whistle?
No.
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back …
Side/fetal.
Do you think too much or too little?
Way too much.
Who was your last missed call on your cell phone …
My mom.
Whens the next time you will see the person you like …
When I turn around and see Jurgen laying on the carpet; also, when Boyfriend gets home.
Are you happy with your life …
Yeah. Not the way I planned and I think I “lost” a lot of time, but I’m either doing what I want to do or working on it. And I’m happy and lucky for what I do have.
Can you handle the truth …
I may not be able to handle it well, but if someone lies to me I don’t forgive very easily. Be an adult, speak your mind and then let’s hug it out. I’m not into drama.
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday …
I need like 14 hours.
What was the last book you read …
A book about the brain and lobotomies.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with …
Um. No.
Is there something you always wear …
Undergarments and deodorant.
What were you doing 30 minutes ago …
Trying to study but procrastinating, as I am presently doing.
Have you ever crawled through a window …
Yeah, a ton of times.
Have you ever dyed your hair …
Regularly. I like it to be different every time I go in to have it done.
Are you wearing a necklace …
Not right now.
Are you an emotional person …
AAAAHAHAHAH! That’d be an emphatic YES.
What’s something that can always make you feel better …
Petting or cuddling my dog Jurgen.
Will this weekend be a good one …
This coming weekend? No, probably not. Major studying. I will be grizzled, that is certain.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex clothing …
I don’t know what opposite sex clothing means. I’ve worn stuff owned by guys and borrowed things, but I’ve never worn a guy’s underpants or anything.
Look behind you, what do you see …
Jurgen sleeping in the doorway to my office.
Have you ever worked in a food place …
Yeah, when I was a teenager I worked in reception halls and McDonald’s.
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