November 14, 2009
An Open Letter to Myself (Written Twenty Years in the Future)
Dear Stacy,
I’m you, twenty years from now.
No matter how mightily you may wish otherwise, you will be here in twenty years. Sometimes you will want to die. You will think about pain and suffering and that you’ve had enough, you’re just done with it. And you’ll think of taking your life. You will not. You will never forget the memory of December 29, 2007 that has been seared into your brain. You will never fully forgive yourself for Boyfriend having to find you in the bathroom, your pink terry cloth robe sash knotted around your neck, your face streaked with tears and shadowed with intense determination. Thinking of this, your “rock bottom,” will make you want to charge forward so you never see life from below ground level ever again. There are going to be more bottoms, I need to warn you of that right now, right off the bat. But you will never be that low again.
There will be times you won’t be able to think of a time when you’ve been happier, and you’d be right. Happiness is a gradual ascent has always been inversely related to how happy you try to keep others. You have done this your entire life, trying to please, make people like you, make people happy. Because of this you hindered your life, living it, knowing who you are. In fairness, nobody knows who they are, not really, but it took you a long time to scratch the surface and find some peace.
You will still be proud of this in twenty years, where I write this.
You will continue to shed your mask, to be comfortable being who you are and making gentle plans for being better. You’ll fuck up. A lot. You will add to your Barrel O’ Regret, at times frequently. But you’ll stop short of falling back to where you were way back when you were completely behind that mask. You’ve learned the value of sincerity, honesty, a meaningful apology.
You will eventually learn to apologize to your younger self.
The body battering, the diets and worry and thoughts of not being good enough don’t have to continue in these next twenty years, but I think we both know they will. You will finally realize that you’re fighting against an opponent who never loses – life, time, who you are. There are times when you will laugh at how silly it was to spend all that time wishing you were thinner, smarter, better, when it was really just how you were meant to be. You can be the best goddamned You you can be, but at the end of it all, you’re still just a template. You will learn to stop hiding yourself. You’ll begin to understand that you’re the only one looking, that no one else can see the things you see.
You will eventually be able to pass by a mirror and be content, if not wholly appreciative, of the reflection staring back at you. You will wish you learned this back then. You will, again, apologize to the younger you. And, let’s admit this together: you treated her like shit.
You were relentless in your finger pointing and blame assignations. You blamed her for everything, you held her responsible for that which she could not prevent. You heaped piles of hostility on her for all the sexual abuse she suffered. Suffered. Meaning, she didn’t want it. It was, quite literally, thrust on her. On us. You punished her for years and years, long after the abuses at the hands of dirty, terrible men and boys; an internal punishment worse than torture. Worse than Hell. And while you were blaming her for all of this, They were still winning, still abusing you, over and over and over through a portal in your brain you should have corked so long ago. You let them win for a long, long time. Too long.
Unfortunately you will carry this with you for the rest of your life. You’ll stop blaming, stop pointing fingers at yourself. You will apologize, and mean it. And you will finally let your body shake with the intensity of your sobbing for that little girl who was changed so soon in her life, too violently to ever forget or forgive herself.
You still have work to do. You’re still letting Them win. You will stop this, but you will never forget.
You will suffer loss of people you love; a loss to death, argument or time. You will be, at times, so consumed with grief that you don’t think you can go on, that going on without your loved one isn’t even worth it. You will get through it. Cry, let yourself grieve. The tears will stop, I promise. It will take some time, but you will find peace in the memories. You will know that they are always with you, that you’re never without them in your heart.
You will occasionally wonder if there really is an afterlife and they’re all sitting there, pointing and laughing, as you take a shit or sing into your hairbrush. If they’re groaning and burning with shame for you for eating something out of your garbage or doing something ridiculous.
You will quickly dismiss such idea that any of this is possible.
You are going to make it. You aren’t going to be rich or famous. You will live contentedly, comfortably. And you’ll have your hard times, but remember how you fought so hard all those years and turned everything around for yourself. Use that as fuel to get you through lean times. Don’t succumb to stupidity. It’s beneath you. You’ve already fought those battles.
I can’t tell you specific things, obviously. Life is about dealing with things as they surface, how you deal with them when they do. I can’t tell you if you’ll be married or have children, if you’ll be happy in your relationships with friends and others. I wouldn’t tell you if I could. You need to trust the You making the decisions leading up to everything, you need to do everything you can to make sure that that You is, in fact, trustworthy. And you’ll have to learn to have some faith. If not spiritually, in yourself.
And you will.
See you in twenty, sucker.
Me/You
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Filed under: Daily, Family, Friends, Health, Home, Insecurities, Life, Memories, Mental [In]Stability, Nothing, Thinking, Us
Tags: Airing of the Grievances, Anorexia, Anxiety, apologies, Body, Body Image, Boyfriend, Childhood, Death, Depression, Eating, Eating Disorder, faith, Family, Fear, Friends, happiness, hate, Health, Home, hope, Jurgen, Letter, Life, living, Love, Me, Memories, Mental, Mental Health, molestation, Nutrition, pain, People, Poop, rape, rock bottom, Sadness, Sexual Abuse, shame, suicide, Therapy, Us, Weight
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Twitter: madnessisay
Says:
yep, love. something like this. and you know? even 6 months makes a difference. and then another passes even faster, and so it goes. be kind to yourself.
liv´s last blog ..therapy thursday: all i can manage.
Don’t write another post for a few days because that should be up there for longer than usual. Your future self will be impressed with you now.
This is absolutely gorgeous.
nicoleantoinette´s last blog ..journal entries, lessons learned, and a snapshot of life on the road
Faith and trust in oneself is an amazing thing. It opens the whole world up. This is a great post!
sizzle´s last blog ..Alligator Tastes Like Chewy Chicken
Bravo, You.
Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..tickets to the gun show
Twitter: iamstillbroken
Says:
I actually cried a little bit when I read this. Partially because I am so happy to see a positive outlook from you but also because I feel the exact opposite of this.
The last few sentences are the best…
Stillie´s last blog ..Breaking Up is Hard to Do
God, but you are a wonder.
Twitter: ADonnRowley
Says:
This is beautiful and heartbreaking and raw and amazing. I really love your words. It is official.
Aidan Donnelley Rowley´s last blog ..Broccoli & Cheetos (a.k.a. My Life)
Twitter: jurgen_nation
Says:
You guys, I love y’all so much. Thank you for your words.
wow, gorgeous. wonderful letter. i found you through maggie, dammit.
Yo is Me´s last blog ..txt u l8r
Twitter: BrianaAldrich
Says:
“You’re still just a template.” That’s still sinking in for me ~ I really like it and I’m trying to figure it out at the same time. “And, let’s admit this together: you treated her like shit.” Amen, I hear you. This letter is so sad and soothing at the same time. Maybe because it’s so real. You are lovely and brave.
I hope you know that you ARE loved and appreciated and there’s a network of people who are pulling for you … now AND in the future!
Em´s last blog ..3 a.m. Recollections
Twitter: The_Element22
Says:
Beautiful. Raw. Compelling. Just like you.
Hugs,
Ti
Titanium´s last blog ..Atlas Sneezed
Twitter: L_Hoff
Says:
I’m so glad you wrote this and so glad I got to read it.
So lovely. I say it like a whisper, like a prayer to your future self to really see and know and feel that. I’m glad we have become friend. I think you such a fine woman.
kelly´s last blog ..The First Line
Beautifully written.
I tend to believe that once in the afterlife, our acquaintances realize that they were a little bit of everyone and everything, good and bad, so that there’s no pointing and laughing. It’s like the ultimate acquisition of perfect empathy. Some people start acquiring it down here and make the world a little better for their ability to start seeing themselves and others as who they really are. You’re way ahead of the power curve and you should be endlessly proud of that.
You can call me, ‘Sir’´s last blog ..Happy Birthday
Twitter: thejackb
Says:
The raw posts are among the best for a blog. Very well done.
Jack´s last blog ..Why Do You Blog?
Twitter: mrsnatalie
Says:
Wow, this was great. I’m in that self-battering stage right now — and I am hoping I can snap out of it. And your comments about happiness are spot on.
Natalie´s last blog ..Never ever ever
You, you … are just awesome. And beautiful. Glad I found your writing again (it’s been awhile).
Twitter: natui
Says:
To live contentedly–the elusive “C” word. It is something I strive for, and have often not realized I had it until situations changed and I was thrust into a new reality. Here’s to all of us finding our aura of contentedness.
Not Afraid To Use It´s last blog ..Finding My Hips
Twitter: justatitch
Says:
It’s weird to say that such a heartbreaking post is lovely, but it really, really is. I have a similar story, my own rock bottom, and I love that you’ve written this, gotten it out and let others learn. You are so talented.
Amy — Just A Titch´s last blog ..Thankful, part 4
Goosebumps.
Wow, this was amazing. Disturbing. Haunting. Powerful.