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Aboot

In addition to writing here on Jürgen Nation, Anastacia Campbell is is Founder and Creator of IndieInk, a Shorty Award nominated (and finalist!) non-profit literary and art collective featuring work by regular folks like you and me around the internet, and has been (so far) been published here. She’s a freelance writer and can be found on the Twitter machine here. Credentials are fun, if you’re so inclined and a full CV can be found here.

Bio

After a great deal of Franzia, Anastacia was conceived in the back of an El Camino during a bonfire cookout. Or maybe in a seedy but familiar neighborhood bar. Or, perhaps it was during routine sex between a married couple who no longer liked each other. You make the call! Anastacia’s father skipped town early in Anastacia’s life, living up to the old Hillbilly Daddy Story as is so often poignantly illuminated on the Hallmark Channel or by Valerie Bertenelli on the Lifetime Network.

Anastacia was born with a small dent in her head, giving some the impression that an inbred mule kicked her in Kentucky, or her well-meaning mother indulged in too much of the white zinfandel during pregnancy. Anastacia proved her sarcasm early on to well intentioned ne’er-do-wells whose naive, enthusiastic curiosity more than made up for their blind imprudence. To those who asked directly, “what happened to your head?” she made up stories on the quick; for instance, “I got shot, thanks for bringing it up.” The only thing dumber than the person asking in the first place is that they believed it. Anastacia learned very early that people are generally stupid and will believe anything. Her mother has always said that Anastacia has a “smart mouth,” and that Anastacia is far too sarcastic for her own good. Anastacia responds, “I share half my DNA with a hillbilly who lives in the hollers and shoots at rattlers with a shotgun and I’m supposed to be agreeable?”

Anastacia had a trailer-park childhood and then spent her teenage years citing Nietzsche and engaging in hilarious prank phone calls far too often, clad in head to toe flannel and listening to Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails in her dark bedroom, convinced that no one understood her. After a while, that ended and she went to college where she had a lot of fun but didn’t get into trouble beyond drinking too much because she engaged in too much nerdery in her political extra-curriculars and viewed college as a chance to get a jump on her career networking. (Clearly she was unaware that her chosen career was something she would grow to despise.) Homecoming Court was involved, as was an intolerance for fellow students who didn’t know the words to the fight song. She was – and continues to be – by all accounts an “intense” individual. Lots of time passed and things happened and she is now a California transplant (from her native homeland Detroit, Michigan) with her very patient boyfriend and her lovable, cuddly, bad breathed puppy-son, Jürgen. Anastacia has had no formal writing training and it is quite obvious if you read this blog for more than three sentences. And despite her numerous awards for Excellence in Gastronomy twelve consecutive years, she can barely feed herself (and yet is a chronic masticator. Go fig!). Indeed, she continues to wear velcro instead of laces (Cabbage Patch brand). One wonders if she knows how to tie, but one is behooved not to ask as she is known for her mercurial personality. She punches hard and most humor her to avoid being punched or kicked in the mouth; she can fight with the bare knuckled indignation of an aggrieved lover. Also, she was a grip in the 1962 London production of Chess, the Musical, so she knows a thing or two about some things or two. She believes in equal rights for all people, but wouldn’t hesitate to support less rights for assholes.

She is just saying.

Anastacia hates those who talk about themselves in the third-person, even though she is writing this herself and is doing just that. Further pet peeves are erroneous commas, poor grammar, those with over-inflated senses of their own importance, actually “working” at work, materialism, the unmitigated gall of the weak-willed, Fox News, telemarketers, most reality shows and pubic hairs on the toilet seat (or, like that one time, embedded in a “fresh,” just pulled from the bag piece of pita). Her interests include vodka, crime documentaries, animals, the complete collection of Billy Ocean, snacks, Anderson Cooper and his quicksilver sass, unicorns, Stains the Dog (see below) and intense displays of sarcasm. She also prides herself on her ability to use intimidation and coercion as a means to an end; to wit, sassing someone into the fetal position crying shoulder-shaking tears of pain. She also fiercely enjoys harsh critiques of US policy. Harsh critiques of people she doesn’t particularly care for is a close second. Anastacia is widely known to be a fun drunk, which is convenient because she usually is. She is OCD to the point where she keeps a dossier on her own mother, is impatient and quick to frustration, has some sort of glandular malfunction which causes her to sweat unbecomingly and constantly, and giggles when someone uses the words “teabagging,” “poop,” “hoots,” “humping,” and “midget-porn.” Anastacia is, at this very moment, doing something very important that will positively impact all of mankind for eternity. She’s just like that. She is a layabout, a photographer and is working toward her Ph.D in neuroscience and who should be studying but is writing an “About” page about herself for her shitty blog.

Anastacia started this blog on a whim for all the same reasons anyone else starts a blog: to archive her own legacy of inane bullshit in the annals of our fine nation’s history for all future generations. She has since stopped caring about privacy once and for all, which is fantastic, because it only took 3 attempts at an anonymous website to decide she really doesn’t care what anyone thinks.

She enjoys sunsets, teddy bears and small, shiny objects (paperclips and somesuch).

The above bio is approximately 85% true. Anastacia is also a prolific exaggerator when she has to write about herself in an About page. Such is life, you know?

Anastacia has credentials! Lookee!

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